It has been a long time since those dark days where I was suppressed by an eating disorder. But all the eating disorder thoughts haven’t gone away just yet. I am free for a day, one week, one month, maybe a couple months and then out of no where it comes back; a heavy negative thought about my body, the way I look, or what I am or do. It’s a small comment, nothing to worry about. But thats how the eating disorder thoughts start. I can recognize it. That is the difference.

When the thought comes there is also a feeling that I get in my belly; in my gut. It’s like as if a hole opens up inside of me, I am not whole anymore, I wish I could cry every time I feel it; but it’s not painful enough. I try to ignore it, suppress it. But that doesn’t really work. I have to be patient and know that is going to pass. My only choice is to I surrender to to the idea that it will pass and I will be soon back to feeling good. I know that any thoughts that makes me feel yukie about who I am is absolutely not true. That the feelings of not being good enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not enough are not real and they are going to go away. They will pass, if I let them pass. Contradictory, if I feed it, it would grow and really hunt me.

So almost out of fear of what it could happen, and with kindness and love by my side I choose to let the eating disorder thoughts and feelings go. I been in this eating disorder war for way too long and I am certain that there is zero accuracy on any antagonistic thought that happens through my head, I know that if I feed it, if I give any kind of energy to it; positive or negative, if I pay attention to it, or even if I try to ignore it can grow. I know that the only solution is to let it go.

I have to show up every day aiming for enough awareness to choose kindness for myself and for others. This is why I meditate. It helps me surrender and let go of anything in my life that could possibly hunt me. I know that once I am in the space of deep love, I am safe. Love is the only solution for me.

It has been a long way since those very dark days but I still get on my knees, pray, read self help books, and cry about the darkness where I once was; because I know there is someone else living in that same darkness, and it hurts me too.

Having a hard time with letting go of your thoughts?  You are not alone.  This is a safe place so please leave a comment and encourage one another. Let’s do this together. ❤

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